Helplessness, and dealing with it

Hmm, dun you ever feel helpless at work. well, i do. all the 5 yrs i've been studying medicine, i jes feel kinda tired and helpless when i see sths happen to my pt. nutting i've read has prepared me for this world, not that i wanted it in the first place tho. at most times, i kinda feel helpless actually, with not knowing wat to do as most of the real world trouble starts to haunt me now. sometimes i wonder, am i really fit to be a doc....even if i'm more of an unwilling one?
hmm...

Moving on, the second part.....

ok, more on my working life...
sometimes i feel that my life is very much a drama.....things happen that you can only see in the movies
relatives crying, patients crying, children crying......except that doctors in real life are more hard ass...no doctors crying over dead patients, just that..."haiz....there goes my night's sleep". more n more i feel that i'm turning into one of those hard ass docs, dunno if its a good thing or not. more n more i feel that the patients are more of my job and that i'm building a strong wall between what i feel and what i should empathise with. not that i dun wanna care bout them, jes that it gets really trying and tiring to remember aaaall the patients whent the only thing you wany is a good rest.

i also feel that i am slowly falling for one of my colleagues at work, but the more i deny it, the more i feel isolated. i dun wanna be mean to him, but i made a promise to myself to avoid all relationships, and i plan to keep it. ignorance is bliss, but there is only so mnuch one can ignore. i noe that he'll never see me as anything more than an annoying person, so let's just leave it as it is...

i'm presenting again for tomolo's GWR, damn sian bout it. i have no idea how i'm gonna pull it off tomolo, but presenting 20+ cases in one hr will be dead-ish. hope i'll still be smilig after that..

well commencement is over, boriiing ......

had fun wif family in JB....but prob wont be seeing them again in the coming year....

till i feel like posting next..

ta ta

Moved on, and not really liking it....

long time since i blogged...need a new hobby. anyways, months have passed since i started workng. currently in the bone department. nice place, small hosp, but not really having the time of my life. prob is: not having very nice colleagues. first job in my life, and now realising that colleagues play a big role in making working fun and bearable. coming to grips with the cold harsh reality of life is really hard, but learning to accept it only makes one stronger, i hope.

'nuff bout that. need to focus on sth more constructive......hmm.....MOVING TO A NEW HOUSE (actually HDB Flat....small HDB flat). finally, i get to be back with more familiar and liveable housemates. prev hsemate was a full-fledged slob....can cry...in a way, i feel kinda excited that i dun hafta be alone anymore. the past few mths have been a struggle for me as i am finally separated from my CG as well as study mates from the MBBS days. No one to talk to when i go home, or not even seeing another human being when i go back is really trying. omos broke down a few times, but managed to pull through. there were days when i omos wanted to blue letter my self to PSY but looking back now, it made me realised how fragile my peace of mind was and that i can actually not eat solid food for 3 days and still survive... amazing how neglectful one can be when very focused on work. taking a step back when i have time to breath made me what i really liked in life, and that after my bond is up, i'll prob be doing sth else in life.unfortunately , sometimes i still feel strangled by the amount of work i have to finish and still have to come to terms with the fact that i never intended to do medicine. guess, i will just 'tahan" for the next few years.

had medical dinnerm 2 days back, everyone looked so much more mature...hehe. still, the dirrrty-minded peeps are still dirrrrty.

hmm... commencement is up in another few days, wanted to skip and go back to sleep but parents wanted to go, darn....

thats all for now....before someone else dies on me....ciao

Time to move on....

YAYY!!!!.....a bit late in posting but i actually passed my MBBS....here's looking towards a new life ahead of me. For the past 5 years, and maybe for the past 13 years before that, I have been a pure student, studying from one test to another, from one finals to the next. But, now its all over (for a while at least) and I can say that ...PHEW... It was a big relief to read "Congratulations, you, have passed your exams" printed out on the computer screen in the library ground floor (the only one that is open to access the outside www). Seeing the faces of those who passed as well was a joy in sight as we all took a deep breath...sweat a few beads of salty ..sweat.. as the dean went on and on and on and on about how medical student life is not the end but is actually the beginning *yawn*.....

But anyways, going to start work soon, on the 2nd May, and was busy clearing up my room, which is full of junk. 2 PC's, multiple gunplas, tonnes of books and paper, boxes, a few bags here n there n loads of dust. Been holidaying for 3 weeks at home, so was super dusty when I got back. Other than that, me housemate has used up my shampoo, and toothpaste...haiz.....The house is in a mess...but lazy to clean up for now..will take time and rest..

The next week is orientation week, where we do BCLS, ACLS, and shadow the outphasing MO's. Sounds interesting, but its all full days, start around 8 to 830 am and end at 530 pm. Got a half call on Fri nite, so will be in AH if anyone drops by.

OK, enough about work stuff....time....for....arggh....lazy to reflect on life for today....

So will just end it by saying....

!!!!!!!KITA!!!!!!!!!

PS go watch densha otako.........

exams.....

A haiku of advice.....

Look down in despair,
Look up for guidance and hope,
Look sideways for answers.

(anonymous med student)

hmm.....

in the midst of exams now....bored to death...

have u ever wondered y did we ever created sth known as exams?...i always do. mebbe its bcos my life is sooo full of them that i have never passed thru one year without having any exams at all. mebbe it'll change next year, provided i pass and graduate this term, its scaaary, but there's alwayz that feeling lurking around that i'll have to resit (touch wood, hope it wont happen).

BUT....life doesn't sound too good after exams as well. there'll be plenty of sleepless nights,and getting picked on by everyone, and i mean everyone who is higher in rank. sometimes, i wonder, why we put ourselves thru all this torture. guess as human beings, we jes love torturing ourselves (sounds so sado-machism), but from that "torture" we also find accomplisment and the true joy of succeeding in the things we set out to do. unfortunately, sometimes it works the other way round in which what we are doing may not be what we want to torture ourselves with in the first place. things change, so do human's emotions and desires. it molds around the experiences and the ideals that we hold true to our believes. but as we get more and more engrossed in seeking the answer to the original quest, we lose out on what we really wanted in the inside as we grow along the way, and that is jes too sad.

oh well, jes another rambling before i head back to the books......which i shall do so .....NOW>..
till the next time

ramblings.....

Finals are 2 days away from now; the tension rises; the fear of failing increases, and you know what, at this time, i'm thankful for having the bestest friends in life. its times like this that the only things you can do when you are free is to1) go eat 2) go shit 3)reminiscise over memories. Being in the same class for 5 years makes you kinda "know" everyone in your class, from the nicest ones to the baddies. for me, its more of "i remembered that guy/girl's face, but can't remember the name". hehehe....was never really a sociable person but had a great bunch of friends to study with, eat with, laugh with, and also to torture.

Was busying studying in skool today, when this conversation popped up....

Me (to a guy fren) : Do you plan to not shave until the clinical papers?

Guy fren: y??

Me: Jes asking....my grp mates are planning to keep them growing until the clinical papers.....

Guy: Hm ok...

Me: But i dun think it would make much of a difference...they dun have much facial hair after all

Guy: True...( add in a long conversation about guy's and other guys facial hair)

Me: hmm...so do you plan to shave?

Guy: Why are you asking me that?..its like asking if you plan to shave your axillary hair...

Me: Well, let's make a pact not to shave until the clinicals then....

Guy (looking at me bewildered) started to NRNOTFL....

.....err......

till next time....